It takes time to lose track of yourself.
We have lots of voices telling us how to live in joy. One voice tells us that we are beautiful just the way we are. It’s true, we are beautiful in this moment. We are enough.
We are loved.
We are cherished.
However, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to do better, to be better, and become better. There is a careful line that we must each walk in loving ourselves that teeters between self-indulgence and/or selfishness versus being self-aware of our true value.
In sharing about my weight loss, it’s been important to me to share that I didn’t lose the weight to say I didn’t like me. When we operate from shame, there is nothing that can fill the hole we are digging. When we operate from love of ourselves and love for those around us, we are expanded in our efforts.
I started working on losing weight because my hip, which is degenerative, hurt a lot in the morning. I prefer to not start my awesome day in pain. I am losing weight because I love my family and want to be healthy. After the cancer scare of 2019, my own mortality hit hard. I had spent 12 years being a wife, mom, and a caretaker to my mother who has MS/ Dystonia/ Parkinson’s/ Osteoporosis — all of these things were and are a gift.
In this health journey, more valuable than the weight loss has been the mind work. I am sitting here sharing this because I think others need to know that I, too, have believed that I didn’t have the time to really take care of my health.
I can see now that I was role-modeled. “You work till you can’t.” I like work. I’m a fan of work, but that little lie that you have to work till you can’t, was sabotaging me.
My family of origin made fun of those that went to the gym, as if working out at the gym means you aren’t working hard enough at your job. My dad would even say that about my Nathan when my parents lived with us. I publicly share this because my children heard it, too, and need to see me owning my part. I should have told them to stop when things like that were said, but I just said to myself “It’s okay.”
In letting comments roll off me, I reinforced in my own younger self that they were true (silence being consent) and it was just as damaging to my young children.
I didn’t like that my parents were living with us and disrespecting my husband in this and other ways, whose roof they lived under for free. Yes, they intended to pay some rent, but owed us a fair amount by the time they moved out, angry we wouldn’t do more. We didn’t mind supporting them; what hurt was the lack of respect.
I could see all that with my parents, but as I’ve been working out, eating right, and shedding pounds, I’ve had to confront my guilt. I felt guilty I couldn’t do it all, I wasn’t working hard enough, like, if I had worked hard enough, I wouldn’t have to make up for that work now.
Yes, if we all lived on farms, gyms would probably not have clientele. There is lots of work, however, including my job and that of my husband, that doesn’t give us enough cardio.
We are all a work in progress, learning, or should be learning as we go, and working on yourself is worth it without it being a sign of selfishness. We can know 98% of a thing and still have that 2% hold you back. In confronting that 2%, I’m rooting out those false beliefs.
The 30.8 pounds in the 11 weeks of weight loss is just a symptom of what I’ve really let go: a lie, a story, a belief handed down in my family line. I’ve been stepping into a commitment with my 70-, 80-, 90-year-old self. I’m not just hot (hotness is a state of mind, not your size), now I’m adding in healthy.
Working on ourselves is our life purpose, rooting out lies is the work. You and I are totally worth the work.
Oh, and I’m down 4.2% body fat too!
Thanks to Lori Hildebrand Walker for being an amazing coach through all of this releasing ❤️
#self-care #progress #health