“You can’t satisfy a selfish person.”
Aaron, my travel companion’s cousin said it in a conversation over dinner, at some point an awareness it had since it became a quote at the ready.
Exactly this time last year, a professional relationship imploded because, I wouldn’t give them the expo I was just working. Like a switch had been flipped, the drastic consequences of telling them the dreaded word, “No” were realized.
My not giving them control lead to a smear campaign that included them writing a letter to my husband telling him I was dishonest and flirty with men. She contacted corporate with a long list of complaints, attempting to get me terminated because I was all the bad things and I said “poopy” too much. The latter is true, I do say poopy too much.
Accusations have to be proved and collecting phone numbers of clients vs emails is not an offense you get terminated for, fortunately nor is the usage of the word poopy.
I felt betrayed, hurt, and shocked at how deep and vile her hate for me was especially when days before, she was calling me 2-3x a week for business mentoring for the last five years she’s been on my team. She was by far the most demanding team member I’ve ever had in terms of time, and that’s saying something. I’ve had one that was upset we didn’t get our nails done together.
I do my own slapping on of whatever to my nails.
I’ve had another that began talking and acting like me until I told her no she couldn’t put alcohol on clients lips, that “broke” her and she went after others on the teams success. Crazy times. Those past experiences though didn’t nag at me like this did, it’s like my heart knew there was something here I needed to dig into to learn.
I have been narcissistic magnet
I’m nice, accommodating, and love to help people, added to that I have a profile and am successful. That evidently is a very alluring combo for narcissistic people.
I’ve come to learn how evil uses your strengths against you, my niceness, is easily exploited to obligation, my being accommodating is easily twisted to a power struggle.
I’m not competitive, I don’t look at others and want what they have. If you want to win I am like ok, you can win. I don’t see how beating someone is a thing that’s needed. Unless your playing board games, then I like to win.
If you point out to me I have bad grammar, I’m ok with that. I know I do. It’s true. I’m also bad at math and any other skill that requires foundational learning as my childhood could easily be classified as traumatic from being sexually molested, to yelled at, occasionally hit and being told often, “you’re a kid, kids don’t have real feelings.
I’ve become adaptable and accommodating because I was always checking the wind’s direction to not get yelled at.
I’ve put boundaries in place, like if you yell at me, we are done. I no longer accept adults pouting like I was taught too and I’ll call it out.
All in all, like the 21-hour day I had the other day and the flight delays to get back home, I’m very thankful I’m adaptable and pleasant. These traits have served me well and allowed for more adventures. I do believe that when we dig into pain it is our greatest teacher. We can’t just say oh it’s all them, it is always two people in a conflict, even if it’s just guilty of “allowing”.
I felt obligated because she was on my team, so I took each call, I prioritized calling her back over a friend, because it’s a work thing. This pattern of giving in to obligation has shown up for me before.
As I was in the booth this weekend, it was an opportunity to assess my own progress. I created opportunities for my team feeling like it was my duty. Doing 99% of the investment only to split the profits and clients. Because of what happened I had to do the next show by myself and guess what? It was awesome, at the show and in the follow up. The result has been my makeup business thriving.
In learning my prior propensity to be guilted into obligations, I’ve been much better able to do my part to protect my family and take better care of myself. My health has shown it, I have free time of the mind and I’ve made a thorough assessment of my to do’s, my personal life, and obliterated those ties.
It’s a gift that came wrapped in poop. The poop just fertilized the lesson to help it root deeper.
Yep, I do say poop too much.
#self-care #boundaries #lifelessons