When my kids were small, I had this recurring dream.
In my dream I was given the opportunity to go back to a moment in time, you know one of those moments you regret, where you wish you’d stood up for yourself. I was not someone who could speak for me back then; I could muster something for others but for me I had been told my feelings were not important as I was just a kid.
So in these dreams I go back to a moment: I’m 15, I get to say the thing or do the thing my 35 year old self wished had said or done. I don’t wake up though, I have to go the rest of that day as 15. I have to go to class, and outwardly be 15 but inside I’m 35, missing LoverMan and my kids. Like missing them so deeply I’m afraid I’ll have to go through all the years in between before I’m Nathan’s wife and my kids’ mom.
It’s agonizing sitting in algebra fearing you might not meet your person just when and where I did.
That’s what woke me up – the fear of not being exactly where I was.
After enough times of having that dream I realized the lesson.
The past doesn’t make us, it’s the now that is precious.
We can’t go back and fix the things we wish were different without affecting the present.
The present is good.
It’s a precious gift.
And for me it’s with those I love most that is worth letting all the “I wish I had..” “I could have..” and “why did they..” sit as they are simply to have the life I’ve had with these people.
#Thankful #Now #Past